People Like Me Aren’t Supposed to Risk Like This

Recently, someone asked “why do you choose to live life so hard?”, and to that I said, “I’m not choosing for things to be this way, it’s just what it is”.

For context, I’m a first-generation Dominican-American who was always encouraged to do whatever I could do to access stability. My family has historically lived in abject poverty and never had access to higher education, so in many ways I have had every possibility at my disposal in comparison to the lives they were forced to live. For most of my life, I thought I would go down a linear career trajectory. I would land a job that I would grow within, stack up my 401k, take 2-week vacations, make a cute lil apartment my home, and in general live a chill life, but at some point around age 24, I realized that my vision wasn’t in alignment with my soul’s desire. I yearned for more novelty, adventure, freedom, and most importantly, the ability to cultivate an environment that truly forced me to live up to my potential.

One of my biggest fears is living a mediocre existence in exchange for monotonous comfort.

So, now at 30 years old, I’ve made too many bold decisions to do anything but continue charting this unconventional path. On my best days, I’m proud to be as courageous as I’ve been, but most days I’m doing everything I can to avoid resenting past me for not choosing an easier life. My curiosities and audacious attitude have attracted opportunities that I never thought possible. All because I was showing up to self-initiated projects day after day, month after month, and year after year, but none of it is easily categorizable. I can’t say I spent 10 years working at *insert major company name here* and now that I’ve saved up a nice chunk of change I’m going to embark on doing my own thing. I also can’t rely on a trust fund or safety net, and to make matters trickier I was one of those kids who studied International Relations in college, but didn’t go on to get their J.D. so my degree equates to…not much in the real world tbh.

I’m not writing all of this to say I’m not proud of myself for everything I’ve dared to do, but the truth is, people like me aren’t supposed to take risks like this. After everything my family has sacrificed to start a life in America, my main priority should’ve been to do whatever I could to establish a secure path that would allow me to acquire enough resources to turn around and uplift everyone else.

But, what if I told you that I feel like the energy of all of the women that make up my lineage, who never had the chance to life up to their potential, is coursing through my body? What if I told you that there’s a force within me that feels uncontrollable and it guides me to make the bravest choices possible, because somehow, someway, they’re going to make sure it all works out? What if I told you that all of that stability my family has ever wanted is on the other side of me creating an ecosystem that allows me to do exactly what I want, while making more money than a regular job at a good company would ever conceivably pay me? Would you think I’m crazy, or would you for a second pause and think “that is something the universe would do.”?

Truth is, I don’t have proof that any of this is going to work out. It hasn’t happened yet, at least not in the real way I’m waiting for. Everyday that passes I have to actively convince myself that I didn’t waste away my 20s giving into a pipedream. As I watch people my age buy their first homes and start families, I can’t help but feel so…weird. From time to time, I meet new people who reflect some version of “wow, your life has been interesting”, but at the same time it’s paired with an energy of “that could never be me”.

In other words, my existence and the way I’m making life decisions makes for great conversation, but the difficulties and lack of certainty that inevitably come with living in your truth, and by virtue disrupting the status quo, are off-putting to even the most self-confident. Living life like this feels like a rollercoaster of chaotic and unpredictable events that you have to believe will lead to a sea of the calmest waters. Sometimes, it feels like my ancestors know something I don’t and that energy of theirs that I embody is driving me towards a life more beautiful than my limited mind can figment.

To give myself credit, I truly don’t believe I’ve lived an irresponsible life, but I’ve lived a bold one. I’ve made decisions that I know for a fact most people wouldn’t, and it’s not because I am choosing to live a difficult life, but instead is because this is what the path looks like for people like me. When you don’t have the privilege of inheriting a cheat sheet for life, you have to “brave the wilderness” as Brené Brown would say. You simply have to go through it all to figure out the answers and trust that everything will make sense, but you won’t know until you’ve accomplished the mission. What exactly is that mission? Well, it’s the mission of honoring your soul, which I’m sure we all know by now is the most difficult, yet important task we have in this lifetime.

At every corner there is a social construct, judgment, distraction, or critique that can lure us into rejecting our own truth, and in doing so, denying our soul the ability to actually be embodied by us. In choosing to honor our soul we inherently agitate the expectations put on us, and the social paradigms at large. To others, it might appear like choosing a difficult life, but to us, it’s choosing the easier path because it means we don’t have to live a lie. Does that at times complicate being accepted by certain groups, access financial security, or fitting into the mold of your hometown? YES, but that’s just what comes with the territory of honoring your soul; not to mention the fact that all of those things can be solved for-make new friends, get a new job, and move to a new city where nobody knows you. 

At 30 years old, I've come to learn that existing as a human on this planet, temporarily, is meant to be lived in its boldest form and that inherently comes with risk. The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward.

Does that mean life will get tricky at times? Yes.

Does that mean there will be uncertainty? Yes.

Does that mean you’ll be misunderstood? Yes.

Does that mean you’ll become way more selective about how and who you engage with? Yes.

Does that mean life will be harder *at times*? Yes.

But atleast you’ll opt to live in your truth, and that dear reader, is by far one of the rarest things to come across in this world.

Risk it. 

Signed,

Cat, a gal tryin’ her best