I Just Gave Up My Sports Car

"You live and you learn"-Mami y Papi 

At 22 I decided that it would be a good idea to lease a brand new 2016 Dodge Challenger SXT. I figured hey, I graduated from college, I'm making enough money (not actually true), and I'm a good person. I deserve this. Little did I know that the gag was...I had no idea what the hell I was doing. Around this time I was really out in the scene and surrounded by flashy people and cars which in retrospect really clouded my judgment. I was never the girl who was raised to value material possessions, and by nature, it wasn't in my personality to be impressed by those things, but I gave into the facade. Why?

A few years later I'm looking back and it all seems so clear. I got the car to mask my deep rooted insecurity of not being enough. I believed that having the nice car translated to me having my life figured out, and I now know that it doesn't work that way. Firstly, nobody has their life "figured out". Every single person continues trying to make sense of life until the day they die, so having material markers to represent reaching a certain level of "put togetherness" means nothing. The car provided me with a false sense of understanding, and it ultimately represented an awkward chapter in my life. I had to go through this phase to ultimately become the current version of myself, but it became annoying to be reminded of it every time I walked outside; so I got rid of it.

I got the car to mask my deep rooted insecurity of not being enough. I believed that having the nice car translated to me having my life figured out, and I now know that it doesn't work that way.

Surely, getting rid of my car has its financial perks as I no longer have to worry about a car payment, insurance, gas, tolls, registration renewals, tickets etc. I'm excited that the money I was funneling into this car can be now be put towards saving and paying off the stupid debt I incurred when I was trying to keep up with the Joneses. It's great to have gotten this enormous fiscal responsibility off of my shoulders, but it's even better because it marks the end of a chapter. A chapter filled with insecurities, financial burden, and self-doubt.

Giving up my car was bittersweet because I had a lot of great memories riding around in it, but this entire experience taught me an invaluable lesson on how the foundation of materialism. I had developed a toxic understanding of what it meant to be confident and secure. I now know that my confidence and self-assurance will never come from having expensive things. Not now. Not ever.

A new chapter has begun and it's going to be filled with authenticity, confidence, and presence. Everything I need and will need is already here.

It's within me.